What to Say to Someone Grieving During the Holidays

You're scrolling through your phone, looking at a text thread with your friend who lost their mom in July. The holidays are next week. You want to reach out, but your thumbs freeze. What if you say the wrong thing? What if you make it worse? What if mentioning it ruins their day?

Here's what I know after years of sitting with people through their grief: your silence often hurts more than imperfect words ever could.

If someone you care about is moving through their first holiday season without someone they love, or their tenth, or somewhere in between, you're probably feeling the weight of wanting to get it right. The people who love someone who's grieving often carry their own anxiety about "doing it wrong."

Let me walk alongside you through this. Because the truth is, there's no perfect script. But there are ways to show up that create safety, connection, and relief.

How do you acknowledge someone's grief during the holidays?

You name it directly and simply, without trying to fix it or make it smaller.

The person you care about already knows their loved one is gone. You're not dropping a bomb by mentioning it. You're actually offering relief by acknowledging what's already taking up so much space in their world.

When we tiptoe around grief or avoid naming the loss, it can leave people feeling more isolated. Like they have to pretend everything's okay when it's really not. Your acknowledgment gives them permission to be exactly where they are.

Here's what this can sound like:

• "I've been thinking about you and your dad as the holidays get closer."

• "I know this time of year is hard without your sister here."

• "Your partner's birthday is coming up. I'm holding you in my thoughts."

  
  

Notice what these don't include: silver linings, comparisons, or rushed comfort. Just acknowledgment. Just presence.

For many people, there's added pressure to "stay strong" or protect others from witnessing pain. When family structures aren't recognized the way they should be, or when chosen family isn't honoured in the same way as blood relatives, grief can feel even more isolating. Acknowledging the loss directly cuts through all that noise and says: I see you. What you're feeling matters.

What should I avoid saying to someone who is grieving?

Skip the phrases that minimize, compare, or put a timeline on healing.

We've all heard them. Maybe you've even said some of them with the best intentions:

• "They're in a better place."

• "At least they're not suffering."

• "Everything happens for a reason."

• "You're so strong."

• "Time heals all wounds."

• "I know exactly how you feel."

  
  

These phrases, while well-meaning, often land like doors closing. They can shut down vulnerability and make someone feel like their grief is too much or too messy for you to handle.

Instead of trying to make sense of the loss or find meaning in it, try holding space for the reality that grief is hard and doesn't always make sense. You don't need to fill the silence with explanations or reassurances.

Here's what works better:

• "This is so hard."

• "I wish they were here."

• "I miss them too."

• "There's no right way to feel right now."

  
  

These simple phrases create room for whatever the person is experiencing. They don't rush them forward or try to wrap grief up in a neat package.

What are meaningful things I can say or do for someone grieving during the holidays?

Ask questions about the person they lost and offer specific, practical support.

One of the most beautiful things you can do is help keep their loved one's memory alive. Ask questions. Share memories. Say their name.

Try asking:

• "What did your mom love about the holidays?"

• "What music did they always play this time of year?"

• "Did they have any holiday traditions that were really their thing?"

• "What's a favourite holiday memory you have with them?"

  
  

These questions do something powerful. They acknowledge that the relationship doesn't end just because the person died. They give your friend or family member permission to talk about someone they're missing desperately.

And here's something that surprises people: you don't have to make every interaction about grief. Yes, acknowledge it. But you can also offer lightness. You can send a funny meme. You can invite them to do something that has nothing to do with loss. Grief doesn't mean the person grieving has lost their sense of humour or their need for normalcy.

Key ways to show up during the holidays:

• Send a text on days that might be hard (birthdays, death anniversaries, first holiday without them)

• Drop off food without expecting them to host you

• Offer specific help: "Can I pick up groceries for you on Thursday?" instead of "Let me know if you need anything"

• Invite them to things without pressure: "We're having people over. No pressure at all, but you're welcome anytime"

• Check in after the holidays too (January can be brutal)

• Share a memory of their loved one if you knew them

• Don't disappear because you're worried about saying the wrong thing

  
  

In communities where collective care and showing up physically is central, your presence matters enormously. When someone is navigating complicated family dynamics, or when the people they consider family aren't acknowledged by others, being named and included can be everything.

Is it okay to talk about happy memories with someone who is grieving?

Yes. Grief and joy can exist in the same breath.

There's this myth that grieving people need us to match their sadness or avoid anything that might be happy. But grief isn't one-dimensional. People can laugh and cry in the same conversation. They can feel joy about a memory and devastation about the loss simultaneously.

Sharing a funny story about the person who died can be a gift. Laughing together doesn't dishonour the loss. It honours the fullness of who that person was.

If you knew their loved one, share what you remember. If you didn't, ask them to tell you. "What would they think about this?" or "What would they say right now?" can open up space for both tears and smiles.

Your job isn't to fix their pain or cheer them up. It's to walk alongside them through whatever they're feeling and let them know they're not alone in it.

Staying Present With Compassion

The holidays will come whether we're ready or not. For someone who's grieving, that can feel like being pulled along by a current they didn't choose. Your willingness to acknowledge their loss, speak their loved one's name, and show up imperfectly is a lifeline.

You don't need the perfect words. You need to be present. You need to be consistent. You need to be willing to sit with discomfort and not rush toward resolution.

Grief is not a problem to solve. It's a process to witness. And sometimes the most healing thing you can offer is your honest, steady presence.

If you're the person doing the grieving and you're reading this, I want you to know: however you're moving through these holidays is okay. There's no right way to do this. You get to protect your energy. You get to say no. You get to feel all of it.

I'm Eliezer, a Grief and Loss therapist in Surrey, Coquitlam, Greater Vancouver, and online. I work with people who are navigating loss and need a space where their grief can be messy, where they don't have to perform strength, and where their whole self is welcome. I'd be honoured to walk alongside you.

FAQ: Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving During the Holidays

Should I bring up their loved one or wait for them to mention it?

Bring it up. Saying their loved one's name or acknowledging the loss directly often brings relief, not pain. Silence can feel like erasure.

What if I didn't know the person who died?

You can still offer support. Ask questions about who they were. "Tell me about them" or "What are you missing most right now?" opens the door.

Is it insensitive to invite them to holiday gatherings?

Not at all. Invite them and make it clear there's no pressure. "You're welcome here, and it's also completely okay if you're not up for it" gives them options.

How long should I keep checking in?

Don't stop. Grief doesn't have an expiration date. Check in after the holidays too. February, March, the first birthday without them—these all matter.

What if they seem angry or distant?

That's grief too. Don't take it personally. Keep showing up with consistency and without judgment. Let them know you're there when they're ready.