How Do I Support My Kids Who Are Grieving?

You're watching your child move through the world after loss, and it feels like you're learning a completely new language without a dictionary. One moment they're crying, the next they're asking for a snack. You're wondering if you're doing this right, if they're okay, if you're okay. And here's what I want you to know right away: you're already doing something important by asking this question.

What Does Grief Look Like in Children?

Children grieve differently than adults, swinging between sadness and normal life in ways that can feel confusing.

Think of kids on monkey bars. They grab one bar and hang there, the weight of it pulling on their arms, everything feeling heavy and difficult. Then they swing to the next bar, and suddenly they're talking about their favourite show or asking what's for dinner. Back and forth, back and forth. This is how children move through grief. It's not that they're not feeling it deeply. It's that their nervous systems are protecting them by letting them swing between the heaviness and regular life.

For you as the adult, this can feel disorienting. You might be sitting in your own grief, unable to swing away from it so easily, watching your child laugh at something funny and wondering, "Are they really okay?" Yes, they are. And also, they're grieving. Both things are true.

Key Points About Children and Grief:

• Children process grief in shorter bursts than adults, moving in and out of sad feelings

• Grief often shows up in behaviour rather than words (changes with friends, resistance to activities, trouble focusing)

• Kids may revisit their grief at different developmental stages and milestones

• Your child's grief might look different from yours, and that's completely normal

• Being messy and emotional in front of your kids teaches them it's safe to be human

  
  

How Can I Talk to My Child About Grief When I'm Grieving Too?

You can parent through grief by being honest about your own feelings while reassuring your child they are loved and safe.

This is the part nobody really prepares you for. You're trying to hold your child's big feelings while carrying your own heavy stuff. Maybe you're from a family or culture where showing emotion wasn't encouraged. Maybe you learned that being the parent means having it all together. And now you're crying in front of your kid, or you're so focused on getting through the day that you feel distant, and you're worried you're failing them.

Let me offer you something different: it's okay to be emotional and messy in front of your children. When you let them see you're human, you're teaching them they're allowed to be human too.

You can say things like: "You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling. As your parent, I'm trying to practice that too, and it's really hard. Sometimes you're going to see me where my mind is somewhere else, or I might be crying, or I need to do something to feel connected to the person we lost. I love you. I care about you. I want to work on this together."

This kind of honesty builds trust. For BIPOC families, especially those navigating cultural expectations about strength and keeping struggles private, this can feel like breaking unspoken rules. For LGBTQ+ families who may have experienced chosen family loss or complicated grief when biological family doesn't acknowledge your relationship to the person who died, naming these things out loud matters. Your kids are watching how you move through hard things. You're showing them a map.

What Changes Might I Notice in My Grieving Child?

Grief often appears through behaviour changes including difficulty at school, shifts in friendships, or resistance to activities they used to love.

Your child's grief might show up in ways that surprise you. Maybe they're snapping at their siblings more. Maybe they're suddenly clingy, or won't go to soccer practice anymore. Maybe their teacher emails you about incomplete homework or trouble paying attention in class. Maybe they're rougher with the family pet or picking fights with friends.

These behaviour changes are grief speaking. Kids often don't have the words for what they're feeling, so it comes out sideways. And honestly, a lot of this might mirror how you're experiencing your own grief too.

Here's what I encourage you to do: involve the other adults in your child's life. Talk to teachers, coaches, youth group leaders, family friends, anyone who sees your child regularly. You can say something like: "We've had a really big loss in our family. If you notice any changes, please let me know. My child knows they can talk to you if they need to, and I just wanted to give you a heads up in case they reach out."

You're not asking these adults to become therapists. You're building a web of care around your child. In many cultures, this collective care is already the way things work. We're not meant to do this alone.

Should I Worry About My Child's Grades Right Now?

It's okay if your child's academic performance drops during grief. Giving them time and gentleness is more important than maintaining perfect grades.

I know there's pressure. Especially in immigrant families where education might feel like the pathway to security and belonging. Especially when you've worked so hard to give your kids opportunities. But right now, your child is trying to understand a world where someone important is gone. Asking them to also maintain perfect focus on math or essay writing is asking a lot.

Please give it some time. Be as gentle and slow as you can. There will be time for your child to catch up and figure things out. When someone dies, everything feels confusing and overwhelming. Taking the pressure off academics for a season can give your child the space they need to process this enormous thing.

Talk to your child's school. Many teachers are understanding when they know what's happening. Some schools have counsellors or support systems that can help. And if your child is really struggling, that's information worth having so you can find the right support.

How Can I Get Support for Myself While Supporting My Child?

Parent coaching can help you learn to validate your child's feelings while managing your own grief and staying calm during overwhelming moments.

You can't pour from an empty cup. That saying is overused because it's true. If you're trying to support your grieving child while managing your own heavy feelings, without any support for yourself, you're going to burn out.

I provide coaching for parents who are navigating this exact thing. We work on how to validate what your child is feeling. We practice how to stay calm (or calm enough) in those moments when everything feels like too much. We talk about what it means to parent while grieving, to keep showing up for bedtime and breakfast and school drop-off when your own heart is breaking.

I'm located in Surrey, Coquitlam, Greater Vancouver, and I also work online throughout British Columbia. While I don't currently work directly with children in therapy, I spent almost three years providing play therapy for grieving children. I've walked alongside kids trying to understand what it means that they're about to lose a parent to illness. I've sat with them afterwards as they figure out how to live in a world without that parent. Sometimes they come back years later when they hit a milestone, when they're graduating or getting married or having their own children, and the loss surfaces again because this person they wanted there isn't there. They see other people with their person present, and the grief returns in a new way.

Moving Forward Together

Grief doesn't follow a timeline. Your child will revisit this loss as they grow and develop and understand what it means at different ages. A five-year-old's understanding of death is different from a ten-year-old's, which is different from a teenager's. This doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It means grief is a lifelong companion that changes shape.

What you're doing right now, looking for ways to support your child, reading articles and seeking information, that matters. You're showing up. You're trying. On the days when you feel like you're failing, remember: your child doesn't need perfect. They need present. They need someone who's willing to be messy and real and figure this out together.

You're not alone in this. There are people who understand what you're carrying, who can walk alongside you and your family. If you need support, I'm here. You can book a consultation to talk about parent coaching, about what it looks like to hold your child's grief while honouring your own, about building a life that makes space for loss without being defined by it.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long will my child grieve?

Grief doesn't have an end date. Your child will process this loss throughout their life in different ways as they grow. What you're seeing now is the beginning of a lifelong relationship with this loss, not something that will be "finished" after a set period.

Is it normal for my child to act like nothing happened?

Yes. Children swing between grief and normal life as a protective mechanism. If your child is playing and laughing, it doesn't mean they're not grieving or that they didn't love the person who died.

Should I hide my own grief from my child?

No. Letting your child see your grief (in age-appropriate ways) teaches them that all feelings are acceptable and that being human means feeling things deeply.

When should I seek professional help for my grieving child?

If your child's behaviour changes are severe, lasting, or concerning (significant aggression, self-harm, complete withdrawal), reach out to a grief therapist. Trust your gut. You know your child best.

What if my child doesn't want to talk about the person who died?

That's okay. Some children process through play, art, or simply living their lives. Keep the door open by mentioning the person naturally in conversation, but don't force discussions.

Ready to get support for your family? I offer parent coaching for families navigating grief, helping you learn to hold your child's big feelings while caring for yourself. Book a free consultation to see if we're a good fit. Located in Surrey, Coquitlam, and Greater Vancouver, with online sessions available throughout BC.