Do I Need to Go Through the 5 Stages of Grief?

You've probably heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Maybe someone told you where you "should" be in your grief journey. Maybe you're worried because your experience doesn't match what you've read online. You might even be wondering if something is wrong with you because you're feeling three different things at once, or because you went backwards, or because your grief looks nothing like what you expected.

Let me say this clearly: No, you don't need to go through the five stages of grief. Your grief doesn't need to fit into any prescribed model, and there's nothing wrong with you if it doesn't.

The truth is, grief is far messier, more complex, and more unique than any single framework can capture. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about.

What Are the 5 Stages of Grief and Where Did They Come From?

The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) were created by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Here's what many people don't know: Kübler-Ross developed this model for people who were dying, not for people who were grieving a loss.

She was observing patients at the end of their own lives, documenting how they processed their impending death. This work was revolutionary. Kübler-Ross brought end-of-life care and grief into the light when no one was talking about it. She showed us how important this work is, and her research and deep care for her patients changed how we understand loss. We honour her for that. Our understanding of grief today would not exist without her contributions.

But somewhere along the way, these stages got misunderstood. They were applied to grief after loss, and people began treating them as a checklist or a roadmap you had to follow. Even David Kessler, who worked with Kübler-Ross, has said that the model was never meant to be linear. It was never meant to be a rigid path that everyone walks in the same way.

Yet because the model is so well known, many people assume this is how grief is supposed to look. And when their experience doesn't match up, they feel lost or broken.

Why Don't the 5 Stages Work for Everyone's Grief?

Your grief is as unique as your fingerprint. The relationship you had with what or who you lost, your cultural background, your identity, your support system, the circumstances of the loss, all of this shapes how you grieve.

For many BIPOC folks, grief carries additional layers. You might be grieving while also holding ancestral trauma, or processing loss in a community that hasn't always had space to grieve openly. Maybe you're navigating what it means to grieve in a culture that expects you to "stay strong" or to move through pain quietly. Your grief might include rage at systems that failed the person you lost, or exhaustion from having to explain your loss to people who don't understand the full context.

For LGBTQ+ folks, your grief might be complicated by disenfranchised loss. Perhaps you're grieving someone you couldn't be out with, or a relationship you had to keep hidden. You might be grieving while also dealing with a lack of legal recognition, family rejection, or a world that doesn't always see your love as valid.

These experiences don't fit neatly into five stages. They can't.

You might feel anger and acceptance in the same afternoon. You might feel relief and guilt at the same time. You could be laughing at a memory while tears stream down your face. This is what it means to be human. Grief is complex and messy and sometimes confusing. You can hold multiple truths at once.

What Does Grief Actually Look Like If Not the 5 Stages?

There are many models of grief, and different frameworks work for different people. In my practice, I work with the Grief Cycle, something I share with every client I see. The Grief Cycle shows that grief is filled with unexpected turns. It loops back, spirals, moves sideways, and never follows a straight line.

Your grief will never look like someone else's. It won't even look like grief you experienced from a different loss. Each loss is different. The grief you feel after losing a parent will be different from losing a friend, a partner, a pregnancy, a relationship, a job, or a version of yourself you thought you'd be.

Here's what I see in my work with clients:

Grief comes in waves. Some days you're okay, and then suddenly you're not. A song, a smell, an anniversary, or nothing at all can bring it all rushing back.

Grief changes over time, but it doesn't disappear. You learn to carry it differently. The weight shifts, but it doesn't mean you're "over it" or that you've failed if you still feel pain years later.

Grief can coexist with joy. You can laugh at a family gathering and still miss the person who's not there. You can celebrate your accomplishments while holding sadness about who didn't get to see them.

Grief doesn't have a timeline. There's no "normal" length of time to grieve. Whether it's been three months or three years, your grief is valid.

How Can I Give Myself Permission to Grieve My Own Way?

This is often the hardest part. Giving yourself permission to grieve in your own way, in your own time, without apologizing for it.

Here are some reflections that might help:

Notice where you're holding expectations. Are these expectations coming from you, or from what others have told you about how grief "should" look? Sometimes we internalize messages about being strong, moving on, or not burdening others. It's okay to question these.

Let yourself feel multiple things at once. If you're feeling relief and sadness, or anger and love, that's not confusing. That's human. You don't have to sort your feelings into neat categories.

Find your people. Grief can be incredibly isolating, especially when your loss isn't recognized or understood. Connecting with others who get it, whether that's in community, in therapy, or in chosen family, can make all the difference.

Honour your cultural practices. Maybe your culture has specific rituals for grief. Maybe you're creating new ones that honour both your heritage and your identity. There's no right way, only your way.

Give yourself compassion. On the hard days, when you feel like you're going backwards or falling apart, remember that grief isn't linear. You're not failing. You're surviving something incredibly difficult.

You Don't Have to Grieve Alone

Grief can feel overwhelming, especially when it doesn't match what you thought it would look like. If you're a BIPOC or LGBTQ+ person navigating loss, you deserve support that sees all of you. Support that understands the intersections of your identity, your culture, and your grief.

Key things to remember:

• The five stages of grief were created for people at the end of life, not as a grief model

• Your grief doesn't have to follow any prescribed path or timeline

• You can feel multiple emotions at the same time

• Grief is different for every loss and every person

• Cultural and identity factors shape how you grieve

• There's nothing wrong with you if your grief is messy or non-linear

• You deserve support that sees and honours your whole experience

  
  

You don't have to figure this out alone. Whether you're just starting to process a loss or you're years into your grief journey, therapy can offer a space where you can show up exactly as you are.

I'm a grief and loss therapist in Surrey, Coquitlam, and Greater Vancouver, and I also work online. I work specifically with BIPOC and LGBTQ+ folks because I know that your grief often carries layers that others might not see or understand. In our work together, there's no judgment about where you are in your grief, how long it's taking, or what it looks like. We walk alongside each other, and I offer tools and reflections as options, not as prescriptions.

If you're ready to talk, I'd love to connect. You can book a consultation, and we can explore what support might look like for you. You deserve to feel safe, seen, supported, and steadied as you move through this.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to not go through the 5 stages of grief?

Yes, absolutely. The five stages weren't designed as a universal model for grief, and most people don't experience them in order or at all. Your grief is normal, even if it looks different from what you expected.

How long should grief last?

There's no "should" when it comes to grief timelines. Grief changes over time, but it doesn't have an expiration date. Whether you're grieving for months or years, your experience is valid.

Can you feel happy and sad at the same time while grieving?

Yes. Grief is complex, and it's completely normal to feel joy, relief, anger, love, and sadness all mixed together. Feeling multiple emotions doesn't mean anything is wrong.

What if my culture grieves differently than what I see in therapy resources?

Your cultural practices and ways of processing loss are valid and important. Good grief therapy should honour your cultural background and work with you to integrate what feels right for you.

Do I need therapy for grief, or will it get better on its own?

Some people process grief with the support of community and time, while others find therapy helpful. If your grief feels overwhelming, isolating, or complicated by other factors, therapy can provide space and support for your healing.