Surviving Your First Christmas After Loss

You're standing in the grocery store in mid-November when the speakers start blasting All I Want for Christmas Is You. Your chest tightens. The person you want is the one person you can't have. The lights are going up in your neighbourhood, the festive coffee cups are out, and everyone around you seems to be buzzing with holiday cheer. Meanwhile, you're wondering how you're going to survive the next six weeks when all you want to do is fast-forward to January.

If this is your first holiday season without someone you love, I want you to know something: you're not broken for feeling this way. The disconnect between the world's joy and your grief isn't a sign that you're doing something wrong. It's actually a completely natural response to loss, especially when every store, radio station, and street corner is reminding you that this is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year."

Let me walk with you through this. I'm a grief and loss therapist working with BIPOC and LGBTQ+ folks in Surrey, Coquitlam, Greater Vancouver, and online. I've sat with many people through their first holidays after loss, and I want to share what might help you get through this season with a little more gentleness toward yourself.

How Do You Survive the Holidays When You're Grieving?

You survive by giving yourself permission to do it differently. That's the short answer. The longer answer is that surviving the holidays while grieving means letting go of how things "should" be and making space for how things actually are right now.

This first holiday season without your person is going to feel heavy. The music that used to bring comfort might now feel like it's mocking your pain. Those twinkling lights might seem too bright, too cheerful, too much. And that's okay. You don't have to match the energy around you. You don't have to fake joy you're not feeling.

Key points for surviving holiday grief:

• You're allowed to opt out of traditions that feel too painful

• Saying "no" to invitations is a valid form of self-care

• Your grief deserves just as much space as anyone else's holiday cheer

• There's no timeline for when you "should" feel better

• Creating new, smaller rituals can honour both your loss and your needs

  
  

Why Does the First Christmas Without Someone Feel So Unbearable?

The first Christmas without your person feels unbearable because everything is a "first." The first time setting the table without their place. The first time you hear their favourite song. The first time someone asks about your holiday plans and you have to explain that everything has changed.

Firsts are hard because they force you to confront the absence over and over again. Every tradition, every song, every decoration can become a trigger that reminds you: they're not here. And when the whole world is decorated in reminders of togetherness, family, and joy, that absence can feel enormous.

Add to this the pressure to be festive. Society tells us December is for happiness, gratitude, and celebration. When you're grieving, this creates a painful clash. You might feel like you're disappointing others by being sad. You might feel guilty for not being able to muster enthusiasm. You might even feel angry at everyone who seems to be having a good time.

All of these feelings make sense. The first Christmas after loss isn't just about missing your person on one day. It's about navigating an entire season that used to include them, that was maybe even special because of them.

What Do I Do When Holiday Music and Decorations Make My Grief Worse?

When the holiday atmosphere intensifies your grief, you have options. Not all of them will work for everyone, but here are some things to consider:

Limit your exposure. You can't control what plays in stores or what your neighbours put up, but you can control some things. Shop online if possible. Use noise-cancelling headphones. Take different routes that avoid the most decorated streets. Give yourself permission to minimize exposure to triggers when you can.

Name what you're feeling. When a song comes on or you see a decoration that hits hard, you can acknowledge it out loud or in your mind: "This is hard. This reminds me of them. This hurts." Sometimes just naming the feeling takes away a bit of its power.

Find your people. Connect with friends or family members who understand that this season is different now. You might even find online grief communities or support groups where people get it. Being around others who aren't expecting you to perform happiness can be a relief.

Create a grief ritual. Some people find it helpful to light a candle for their person, play their favourite non-holiday music, or set aside specific time to feel their feelings fully. When you give grief intentional space, it sometimes takes up less room in the moments when you need to function.

Talk to your person. Many people find comfort in continuing a relationship with the person they've lost through writing letters, speaking to them out loud, or simply thinking about what they would say right now. There's no wrong way to maintain connection.

Can I Still Celebrate the Holidays While Grieving?

Yes, and you can also choose not to. Both are valid.

Some people find that participating in certain traditions helps them feel connected to their person. Others find that it's too painful this first year and they need to step back entirely. Many people land somewhere in between, doing some things but not others.

You might celebrate differently. Maybe you do a quiet dinner instead of a big gathering. Maybe you honour your person by incorporating something they loved. Maybe you start a completely new tradition that acknowledges this new reality. Or maybe you treat December 25th like any other day and save your energy for when you're ready.

Grief and celebration can exist in the same space, but they don't have to. You get to decide what feels right for you this year. And what feels right this year might be different from what feels right next year.

If you do choose to participate in some celebrations, know that it's okay to leave early. It's okay to cry in the middle of dinner. It's okay to have moments of joy and moments of deep sadness within the same hour. Grief isn't linear, and the holidays won't be either.

Moving Through, Not Past

Here's what I want you to remember: you don't have to get "through" this season perfectly. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to protect everyone else from your grief or make yourself smaller so others can be comfortable.

Your person mattered. Their absence matters. And the pain of this first holiday season without them is a reflection of the love you carry. That love doesn't disappear just because the calendar says it's time to be jolly.

As you move through these weeks, be as gentle with yourself as you would be with someone you love deeply. Rest when you need to. Cry when you need to. Say no when you need to. And if you find moments of lightness or laughter, let yourself have those too without guilt.

January will come. The music will stop. The lights will come down. And you will have made it through your first holiday season. Not unscathed, but here. Still standing. Still carrying your person with you.

If you're in Surrey, Coquitlam, Greater Vancouver, or anywhere in BC, and you need support as you move through this season, I'm here. Grief and loss therapy can give you space to process everything you're feeling without judgment, without timelines, and without pressure to be anywhere other than where you are.

You don't have to do this alone. Sometimes having someone walk alongside you, someone who understands that this season is complicated and painful, can make it a little more bearable.

I offer consultations where we can talk about what support might look like for you. Whether you're looking for help getting through the holidays, processing your grief, or simply need a space where you can be honest about how hard this is, I'm here to listen.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to dread the holidays after losing someone?

Absolutely. Dreading the holidays after loss is one of the most common experiences in grief. The season can feel like a months-long reminder of who's missing, and that anticipatory anxiety is a natural protective response.

Should I skip holiday gatherings this year?

There's no "should" here. If gatherings feel too overwhelming, it's completely okay to skip them. You can also try attending for a short time and leaving when you need to. Trust what your body and heart are telling you.

How do I explain to family that I can't do the usual traditions?

You can be direct: "This year is really hard without [person], and I need to do things differently. I hope you can understand." Most people who love you will respect your needs, even if they don't fully understand them.

Will the holidays always feel this painful?

The intensity of grief tends to shift over time. This first year is often the hardest because everything is a "first without." Future holidays may still be difficult, but many people find they become more manageable as they learn what works for them and what doesn't.

What if I feel guilty for having moments of happiness during the holidays?

Guilt is common in grief, but happiness doesn't dishonour your person. They would likely want you to have moments of peace and joy. You can hold both love for them and moments of lightness. Both can be true at the same time.