How Do I Respond to "What Are You Doing This Summer?" After a Loss?

Answering "what are you doing this summer?" after a loss means finding a response that feels true to where you are, not performing excitement you don't feel. You get to decide how much you share, with whom, and when.

Summer has this way of arriving without asking if you're ready.

The days get longer, social media fills with vacation photos, and suddenly everyone around you is asking the same question: So, what are you doing this summer?

Maybe it's a coworker catching you in the hallway. A neighbour at the mailbox. Someone you barely know at a family gathering. They're asking because it's June, because it fills the silence, because summer is when people are supposed to have plans. They probably aren't thinking about what happened to you earlier this year. They probably forgot, or never knew, or just don't know what else to say.

And you're standing there holding a grief that has changed everything, including every plan you made, every trip you imagined, every ordinary thing you thought this season would look like.

You don't owe anyone a performance.

Why Does "What Are You Doing This Summer?" Feel So Hard After a Loss?

The reason that simple question can feel so jarring after loss is that it assumes your life has stayed the same shape it was before. It assumes you have plans, energy, something to look forward to.

Grief doesn't follow the seasons. It doesn't care that it's sunny out or that everyone else seems to be booking flights and planning barbecues. When someone asks what your summer looks like and they've forgotten, or never acknowledged, what you've been through, the question can feel like a small door slamming in your face.

You might feel invisible. You might feel the pressure to smile and say something cheerful just to move the conversation along. You might feel angry that they asked, and then feel guilty for feeling angry.

All of that makes sense. You're carrying something heavy, and small talk doesn't leave a lot of room for it.

What Do You Actually Say When Someone Asks About Your Summer Plans After a Loss?

What you say when someone asks about your summer plans after a loss depends on one thing: how much of yourself you want to give to that particular person in that particular moment.

You get to choose. That's not avoidance. That's self-protection, and it's completely reasonable.

If it's someone you trust, someone who has shown up for you:

You can be honest. You can say something like:

• "Honestly, it's a hard season. A lot of my plans were with [them], and I'm still figuring out what summer even looks like now."

• "My plans changed a lot after losing [them] earlier this year. I'm taking it slow."

• "There were things we were supposed to do together this summer. I'm still sitting with that."

You don't have to have a tidy answer. The people who love you well will make room for that.

If it's a coworker, an acquaintance, someone you see occasionally:

You don't owe them your grief. A short, honest-enough answer is more than sufficient:

• "I've got some plans to stay nearby this summer."

• "I'm hoping to spend time in the garden."

• "Keeping things low-key this year."

These answers aren't lies. They're just enough to answer the question and gently close the door. You're not being deceptive. You're protecting your energy for the people and places that actually deserve it.

Key Points

• You are not obligated to explain your grief to everyone who asks a casual question

• The discomfort you feel when someone asks about summer plans is a real and valid grief response

• You get to decide how much to share based on the relationship and your capacity that day

• Short, honest-enough answers for acquaintances are not dishonest, they are boundaries

• Grief changes your plans, and acknowledging that, even quietly, is part of honouring the loss

• Some people ask simply to fill silence. Their question is not always an invitation for real conversation

• You can be genuine with the people who have earned that from you

• There is no correct way to get through a summer after loss

  
  

What If You Feel Like No One Really Gets What This Season Means for You?

If it feels like no one truly understands what this summer means for you after your loss, you're probably right, and that loneliness is one of grief's more painful textures.

Some losses come with layers that most people around you won't know how to hold. Maybe your grief is complicated by the nature of the relationship, or the way the person died, or family dynamics that make even the mourning feel like contested territory. Maybe you come from a community where grief is collective, where your loss affects an entire extended family or circle, and the Western assumption that you just move on by summer feels completely foreign to how you were raised to understand death and love.

Maybe the person you lost was someone whose place in your life was hard to explain to others, a relationship that didn't have a clean, socially recognized label. And so when people ask about your summer, you're not just navigating small talk. You're deciding whether to make yourself visible in a world that sometimes makes that feel risky.

You don't have to justify who or how you're grieving. Your loss is real. This season is hard. And you get to move through it in whatever way helps you survive it with as much of yourself intact as possible.

How Do You Actually Get Through the Summer After a Loss?

Getting through the summer after a loss doesn't require a plan. It requires permission: permission to let this season be different, smaller, quieter, messier than what you imagined.

A few things that might help:

• Let yourself grieve the plans themselves. If you had a trip planned, a tradition you were going to carry on, a first summer together that won't happen now, those losses inside the loss are worth acknowledging.

• Find one or two anchors. A weekly walk. A phone call with someone who knew them. A small ritual that marks the season without pretending it's fine.

• Lower the bar for what counts as okay. Getting through the day is enough. Answering one awkward question without falling apart is enough.

• Let some invitations be no. You don't have to go to every summer gathering. You are allowed to protect yourself.

  
  

And if you find that summer brings the grief back in unexpected waves, that the long days feel harder rather than easier, that one more "what are you up to this summer?" makes you want to disappear, that's not weakness. That's grief being honest with you about what you still need.

Conclusion: This Summer Doesn't Have to Look Like Anyone Else's

There's no version of grief that gets to skip a season. Summer will come whether you're ready for it or not. And you will get through it, probably not the way you thought you would, probably not the way people around you expect, but you will get through it.

If you're finding that the social weight of this season, the questions, the gatherings, the sense that everyone else is moving forward while you're still standing in the same spot, is becoming too heavy to carry alone, you don't have to carry it alone.

Grief counselling isn't about fixing what can't be fixed. It's about having someone walk alongside you through the parts of it that feel unbearable. If you're in Surrey, Coquitlam, the Greater Vancouver area, or anywhere in BC, I'd be honoured to sit with you in this.

Reach out when you're ready. There's no pressure, and no perfect moment. You just have to take one step.

Book a free consultation with Eliezer at Meaningful Counselling

FAQ

Is it okay to not tell people I'm grieving when they ask about my summer plans?

Yes, completely. You decide who gets access to your grief. Giving a brief, low-key answer to someone you barely know is a form of self-care, not dishonesty.

What if someone pushes for more details about what I'm doing this summer?

You can redirect gently. Something like "I'm keeping things simple this year" or "I'm not making a lot of big plans" is enough. You don't have to explain further.

What if the grief gets worse in summer, not better?

That's more common than people think. Longer days, more social expectations, and seasonal memories can all intensify grief. If summer feels harder, it might be worth talking to someone who specializes in loss.

Why do some people seem to forget that I had a loss earlier this year?

People forget, or don't know how to bring it up, or assume that because time has passed, you must be okay. It's rarely malicious. But it can feel isolating, and that isolation is a real part of grief.

Is there grief counselling near me in Surrey, Coquitlam, or online?

Yes. Eliezer Moreno offers grief counselling in Surrey, across the Tri-Cities (including Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam and Port Moody), as well as online throughout BC. Whether you're grieving a recent loss or something that happened months ago and still hasn't lifted, support is available. You can connect through Meaningful Counselling to book a free consultation.

About the Author: Eliezer Moreno is a Grief Counsellor and Registered Social Worker with 15+ years in palliative care, end-of-life, and bereavement. He provides grief counselling for death from illness, accidents, MAiD, and suicide in the Tri-Cities (Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, Port Moody), Surrey, and online in BC.