Grieving Someone You're Estranged From

Can You Grieve Someone You Weren't Speaking To?

Yes. Even when years of silence stand between you and someone who died, grief finds its way in. You can mourn the relationship that never healed, the conversations you'll never have, and the version of them you kept hoping might emerge. This kind of grief is real, valid, and often more complicated than anyone prepares you for.

The notification comes through your phone, or maybe someone calls. They're gone. That person you haven't spoken to in three years, or seven, or fifteen. The one you set boundaries with, walked away from, or who walked away from you.

And now you're standing in your kitchen, or sitting in your car, feeling something you can't quite name. Because how do you grieve someone who wasn't in your life anymore? How do you mourn a relationship that was already broken?

You might feel like you're not allowed to be sad. After all, you made a choice, didn't you? You created distance to protect yourself, to survive, to finally breathe. But maybe you also left that tiny crack in the door. Just in case they changed. Just in case you both found your way back to each other someday.

That "someday" is gone now. And the grief that shows up doesn't fit into any of the neat boxes people expect.

I'm Eliezer, a grief and loss therapist in Surrey, Coquitlam, Greater Vancouver, and online. I work with people navigating exactly this kind of messy, complicated loss. The kind that doesn't get meals delivered or sympathy texts. The kind that makes you wonder if you're allowed to feel what you're feeling.

You are. Let me walk alongside you through this.

Why Does Grieving an Estranged Relationship Feel So Confusing?

When you lose someone you were estranged from, you're not just grieving their death. You're grieving everything that never happened and everything that can't happen now.

You might be mourning:

• The relationship you wish you'd had

• The apology you waited for that will never come

• The version of them you kept hoping would show up

• The chance to repair what was broken

• The fantasy that time would somehow fix things

  
  

This grief comes with a special kind of loneliness because other people often don't understand it. They might say things like, "But you weren't even close," or "At least you'd already said goodbye." These comments, however well-meaning, miss the point entirely. You can absolutely grieve someone who hasn't been in your life for years. Your grief doesn't need their presence to be legitimate.

What makes this particularly painful is that you're often grieving two things at once: the person who died and the relationship that died long before they did. You might find yourself crying over memories from twenty years ago, back when things were different, back when you still believed reconciliation was possible. Or you might feel angry that even in death, they get to leave you with all these unresolved feelings.

Both responses make complete sense. Grief doesn't follow logic, and this kind of grief especially refuses to be tidy.

What Do You Do With All the Complicated Feelings?

Here's what I see happen often: people try to sort their feelings into "acceptable" and "unacceptable" piles. They think they should only feel sad, or only feel relieved, or only feel one clear emotion at a time.

But estrangement grief brings everything all at once. You might feel:

• Sadness and relief in the same breath

• Anger at them for dying before things could heal

• Guilt for feeling relieved that the complicated relationship is over

• Shame for grieving someone you set boundaries with

• Confusion about whether you "should" attend the funeral

• Grief for yourself as a child, teenager, or younger adult who needed something different from this person

  
  

All of these feelings can exist together. They don't cancel each other out, and none of them make you a bad person.

One of the hardest parts is that you might not have anyone to talk to about the full truth of this relationship. Maybe your family doesn't acknowledge the harm that happened. Maybe your community expects you to "speak well of the dead" and your honest feelings don't fit that expectation. Maybe you're from a background where family loyalty is supposed to override everything else, and your estrangement already marked you as the difficult one.

You might be carrying stories nobody else witnessed or believed. You might be the only one who knows what really happened behind closed doors. And now you're supposed to grieve publicly while holding all of that privately.

This is where having a space to be honest becomes essential. You need somewhere you can say, "I'm sad they're gone AND I'm glad I don't have to manage that relationship anymore" without someone rushing in to correct you or make you choose one feeling over the other.

How Do You Grieve Someone When the Relationship Was Complicated?

There's no roadmap for this, but here are some things that might help:

Give yourself permission to feel whatever shows up. Your grief doesn't need to make sense to anyone else. It barely needs to make sense to you. Some days you might feel profound sadness. Other days you might feel nothing, or relief, or rage. All of it is allowed.

You don't have to perform grief for others. Whether you go to the funeral, speak at the service, or stay home entirely is your choice. You get to decide what feels right for your healing. If family members question your decisions, you can offer a simple response or none at all. You're not required to explain yourself.

Create your own ritual. If traditional mourning doesn't fit, make something that does. Write letters you'll never send. Visit a place that mattered to you both, or deliberately avoid those places. Light a candle, or don't. Plant something, burn something, create something. Your grief gets to have its own shape.

Acknowledge what you've lost, including the losses that happened before death. You can grieve the parent who never learned to be safe, the sibling who chose substances over connection, the partner who couldn't love you the way you needed. You can grieve the childhood you deserved, the acceptance you longed for, the relationship that never got the chance to transform.

Find people who can hold the complexity. This might be a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group for people with similar experiences. You need at least one person who won't try to simplify your story or convince you to feel differently.

Key points to remember:

• Estrangement doesn't erase your right to grieve

• You can miss someone and be glad the relationship is over

• Grief and relief can coexist without contradiction

• You don't owe anyone a performance of "proper" mourning

• Healing doesn't require forgiveness or closure

• Your boundaries were valid then and they're valid now

• This kind of grief often takes longer than people expect

  
  

Where Do You Go From Here?

The truth is that this grief might not resolve neatly. You might always carry some questions that don't have answers. You might always feel that strange mix of sadness and relief. That doesn't mean you're stuck or broken. It means you're human, holding a genuinely complicated loss.

What I've seen in my work with clients is that healing doesn't usually mean arriving at a clear, simple feeling about the person who died. Instead, it looks more like learning to carry the complexity with a bit less pain. It looks like building a life where you're not waiting for that phone call anymore, not holding your breath for an apology that will never come.

You get to grieve on your own terms. You get to take as long as you need. You get to feel contradictory things and change your mind about what you feel. You get to protect yourself even in grief, keeping the boundaries that kept you safe.

And if you need support while you figure out what this grief means for you, that's what I'm here for. I create space for exactly this kind of messy, complicated mourning. The kind that doesn't fit the greeting card version of loss.

You don't have to walk through this alone. If you're ready to talk about what you're experiencing with someone who won't judge the complexity of your feelings, I'd be honoured to sit with you in it. You can book a consultation or reach out to connect. There's room here for all of it.

FAQ

How long does grief last when you were estranged from someone?

There's no timeline. This kind of grief often takes longer than people expect because you're processing multiple losses at once: the person, the relationship you had, and the relationship you'll never have. Some people find the intensity shifts after several months; others find waves of grief appearing years later. Both experiences are completely normal.

Is it normal to feel relieved when an estranged family member dies?

Absolutely. Relief is a common and valid response. It might mean relief that a painful relationship is finally over, relief that you won't have to navigate potential future contact, or relief that you can stop hoping for change. Feeling relieved doesn't cancel out other feelings of sadness or loss. You can hold both.

Should I go to the funeral of someone I was estranged from?

Only you can answer this. Some people find attending helps them process the loss. Others find it retraumatizing or feel pressure to pretend the relationship was different than it was. Consider what serves your healing, not what others expect. You might attend, skip it entirely, or find a middle ground like attending only part of the service. All choices are valid.

Can I grieve someone I had to cut out of my life?

Yes. Setting boundaries to protect yourself was necessary and right, and you can still grieve the loss of this person and the relationship. Your boundaries don't erase the history you shared or the impact this person had on your life. Grief and self-protection can exist together.

How do I talk about my feelings when my family doesn't acknowledge the harm?

This is one of the loneliest parts of estrangement grief. You might need to find support outside your family system, someone who can witness your full truth. A therapist, support group, or trusted friend who understands complicated family dynamics can offer the validation your family can't or won't provide. You're not required to grieve in ways that make others comfortable.