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You are NOT a Burden

Writer's picture: eliezermeliezerm

Grief is a mix of so many feelings - it isolates you in a crowd, makes you feel hollow and overfull at the same time. And in the midst of all this internal chaos, there's this voice telling me I shouldn't bother anyone else with my pain.


Sound familiar? The fear of being a burden while grieving is real, and it's something many of us grapple with. But here's the thing - reaching out for help isn't just okay, it's necessary. Today, I want to talk about why we feel this way and how we can push past it to get the support we need.





The Burden Myth


First things first - you are not a burden. Say it with me: "I am not a burden." 


It's easy to fall into this trap of thinking. We live in a world that often values stoicism and self-reliance above all else. We're told to put on a brave face but grief doesn't work like that. It's messy, it's unpredictable, and it demands to be felt.


Many grievers tell me: 

- I don’t want to bring anyone down 

- I’m asking too much from my friends and family (Even though they say “I’m here if you need me”)

- People will get tired of hearing about my pain

- I should be "over it" by now


These feelings are valid, but they're often not rooted in reality. The truth is, most people want to help. They just might not know how.


The Power of Vulnerability


Being open about our grief isn't a sign of weakness - it's an act of courage. It takes strength to admit we're struggling, to reach out a hand and say, "I need some help." 


When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, something magical happens. We create space for authentic connections. Here's why vulnerability is so powerful, especially when we're grieving:


1. Breaking Down Walls


Grief can build walls around us, isolating us from the world. When we choose to be vulnerable, we start chipping away at those walls. It's like opening a window in a stuffy room - suddenly, there's fresh air, a new perspective. By sharing our pain, we invite others into our world, allowing them to understand and support us in ways they couldn't before.


2. Giving Permission to Others


There's a ripple effect to vulnerability. When we open up about our struggles, we silently give others permission to do the same. Maybe your friend has been bottling up their own grief, unsure how to express it. By sharing your experience, you might just give them the courage to open up too. This creates a beautiful cycle of support and understanding.


3. Authenticity Heals


Pretending to be okay when we're not is exhausting. It's like trying to swim upstream - eventually, we'll burn out. Being vulnerable allows us to be our authentic selves, grief and all. This authenticity is crucial for healing. When we acknowledge our pain openly, we can start to process it more effectively.


4. Strengthening Relationships


Counterintuitively, showing our "weakness" often strengthens our relationships. It deepens trust and fosters intimacy. Think about it - the people you feel closest to are probably those you've shared difficult moments with. By being vulnerable in your grief, you're creating opportunities for deeper, more meaningful connections.


Embracing vulnerability isn't easy. It can feel scary, uncomfortable, even counterintuitive. But in the context of grief, it's one of the most powerful tools we have. It allows us to connect, heal, and grow in ways that staying closed off simply doesn't permit.


So the next time you feel the urge to put on a brave face, to say "I'm fine" when you're really not, take a deep breath. Remember that there's incredible strength in allowing yourself to be seen, in all your grief and pain. 





How to Reach Out (Without Feeling Like You're Imposing)


1. Start small: You don't have to pour out your heart to everyone. Begin with a trusted friend or family member. A simple "I'm having a tough day" can open the door to support.


2. Be specific: Instead of a vague "I need help," try asking for something concrete. "Could we grab coffee this week?" or "Would you mind helping me sort through some old photos?" gives people a clear way to support you.


3. Write it out: If talking feels too hard, try writing. Send an email or text message to friends explaining how you're feeling and what kind of support you need.


4. Remember reciprocity: Relationships are two-way streets. Make sure to check in on your friends too, even if it's just a quick "How was your day?" It helps balance the feeling of give and take.


A Final Thought


Your grief matters and your feelings are valid. There are people out there who want to support you - you just have to let them in.


So today, I challenge you (and myself) to take one small step. Reach out to someone. Share a bit of what you're going through. It might feel scary, but remember - you're not a burden. You're a human being experiencing one of the most difficult parts of life. And you deserve support, love, and understanding.


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We are settlers occupying the stolen, unceded, ancestral territories of the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), Səl̓ílwətaʔ/Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh), and S’ólh Téméxw (Stó:lō) peoples. We are committed to understanding the ongoing grief of colonization and decolonizing our practices in and out of the counselling room. 

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