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The Rollercoaster: Grief After a Substance Use Related Death 

Writer's picture: eliezermeliezerm

The pain of losing someone to substance use carries its own distinct weight. As a grief therapist, I've sat with countless families and individuals whose hearts ache not just from the loss itself, but from the complicated emotions that come with it. If you're reading this, you may be experiencing this profound grief yourself, and I want you to know that every feeling you're having is completely valid.



The Layers of Loss


Grief after a substance-related death often feels different. You might find yourself caught in a storm of emotions – sadness intertwined with anger, relief mixed with guilt, love clouded by shame. Perhaps you're remembering both the person your loved one was and the struggles that marked their life. Both versions of them are real, and both deserve space in your grieving process.


Many people tell me they felt like they were grieving long before the actual loss – watching their loved one struggle, experiencing the ups and downs of recovery and relapse, hoping but also preparing their hearts for what might come. This anticipatory grief doesn't make the final loss any easier, but it's important to acknowledge that your grieving journey may have started years ago.


Wrestling with the "What Ifs"


The question of "what if" can be particularly haunting after a substance-related loss. What if I had done more? What if we had found a different treatment? What if I had answered that last phone call? These questions are natural, but they can also become heavy anchors that keep us stuck in our grief.


Remember that addiction is a complex disease, one that even medical professionals struggle to treat effectively. You loved and supported your person the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time. Your love was real, even if the outcome wasn't what you desperately hoped for.




Facing the Judgments of Others


One of the most painful aspects of this type of loss is dealing with others' reactions. Maybe you've encountered stigma or judgment, heard insensitive comments, or felt the need to edit your loved one's story when asked about their passing. Some people might avoid talking about your loss altogether, unsure of what to say or how to help.


You deserve to honour your loved one's whole story – both their struggles and their light. They were so much more than their addiction: they were someone's child, perhaps a parent, a friend, a person who had dreams, who made people laugh, who loved and was loved deeply.


Taking Steps Forward


Healing from this kind of loss doesn't follow a straight line. Some days you might feel stronger, able to remember the good times with a smile. Other days, the weight of the loss might feel unbearable. Both kinds of days are part of the the movement forward.


Consider finding others who understand this specific type of grief – whether through grief counselling or online communities. There's something powerful about being in a space where you don't have to explain or justify your complex emotions, where others just get it.


Honouring Their Memory


Many families I work with find healing in channeling their grief into purpose. Some advocate for better addiction treatment services, others support families going through similar struggles, and some create quiet, personal rituals to honour their loved one's memory. Whatever feels right to you is the right way to remember them.


Remember: your loved one's life was so much bigger than how it ended. They touched lives, created memories, and left imprints on the world that continue to matter. As you navigate this complex grief, be gentle with yourself. Your feelings – all of them – deserve space and acknowledgment.


If you're struggling with this journey, know that you don't have to walk it alone. Reach out when you need support, whether to a grief counselor, a support group, or simply someone who will listen without judgment. Your grief matters, your story matters, and your healing matters.

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We are settlers occupying the stolen, unceded, ancestral territories of the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), Səl̓ílwətaʔ/Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh), and S’ólh Téméxw (Stó:lō) peoples. We are committed to understanding the ongoing grief of colonization and decolonizing our practices in and out of the counselling room. 

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