"How Was Your Summer?" The Question Grieving Teens Are Trying To Escape

The hallways buzz as teenagers reconnect after summer break. But for your child, that simple question everyone asks feels impossible to answer.

If you're reading this, you know that heartbreak. Your child lost someone precious this summer, and now they face walking back into a world that expects happy stories about vacations and camps. Instead, their summer held hospital rooms, funeral arrangements, and learning to breathe through the weight of goodbye.

You're not alone in this. Let's walk through this together and find ways to help your teen with these conversations with authenticity and self-compassion.

It’s a Heavy Weight to Carrying

While their classmates share stories of beach trips and summer jobs, your teenager carries something entirely different. They're learning what it means to lose someone who shaped their world. That innocent "How was your summer?" isn't just small talk anymore. It's a reminder of everything that's changed.

Your teen might feel caught between two impossible choices: lie and betray their experience, or share something deeply personal with people who aren't prepared for that heaviness. Neither feels right because grief doesn't fit into casual hallway conversations.

Here's what I've learned from walking alongside grieving teens and their families: your child doesn't need to choose between hiding and oversharing. There's space for honest responses that honour their experience without demanding more vulnerability than they're ready to give.

Teenage students raising their hands at school

How to Respond to "How Was Your Summer?" at School

Let's explore some responses together. These aren't scripts to memorize but starting points your teen can adapt to feel authentic:

Key Response Strategies: 

• Keep it simple and honest: "It was really tough, actually" 

• Set gentle boundaries: "I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but thanks for asking" 

• Share what feels right: "I lost someone important to me this summer" 

• Redirect when needed: "It's been hard, but I appreciate you caring"

For casual acquaintances:

• "Not the summer I expected, but I'm getting through it"

• "It was hard. I lost someone I love"

• "Pretty difficult, actually. Thanks for asking"

  
  

For closer friends:

• "My [relationship] died this summer, so it's been really tough"

• "I'm dealing with a big loss right now. Some days are harder than others"

• "I lost someone important to me, so I'm still figuring things out"

  
  

Practice these at home, but hold them lightly. Your teen will find their own words as they go. What matters most is that they know they have options.

Preparing Together for the Return

Start conversations early. Ask your teen how they want to handle questions about their summer. Some want close friends to know beforehand; others prefer navigating day by day. Both approaches are perfectly valid. Follow their lead.

Connect with supportive adults. Consider reaching out to your teen's counsellor or a trusted teacher. They don't need details, just awareness that your child is grieving and might need extra patience. Many teens find comfort knowing there's a safe adult at school they can talk to if needed.

Plan for difficult moments. What if they start crying during class? What if someone says something thoughtless? Having a loose plan helps them feel less powerless. Maybe it's knowing they can text you, visit the counsellor's office, or have a code word with a trusted friend.

Remember, you're not trying to control their experience. You're simply offering tools they can use if they choose.

Teenagers outside practicing skateboarding

Walking Alongside Their Grief at School

Grief doesn't pause for math tests or lunch periods. Your teenager might laugh with friends between classes and feel overwhelmed by the afternoon. They might have a good day followed by an awful one. This isn't them "getting better" or "getting worse." This is what grief looks like.

Some days, focusing will be nearly impossible. Other days might feel almost normal, which can bring its own guilt. Help your teen understand that there's no right way to move through loss.

Watch gently for signs they might need extra support: 

• Significant changes in grades that persist 

• Withdrawal from all friendships and activities 

• Major shifts in sleep, appetite, or behaviour lasting several weeks 

• Expressions of not wanting to be here anymore

If you notice these patterns, trust your instincts. A grief counsellor who understands teens can provide invaluable support during this time.

Being a Safe Space at Home

After managing emotions all day at school, your teen will likely come home emotionally drained. They've been holding it together, fielding questions, and trying to function normally while carrying this enormous loss.

Be present without being overwhelming. Let them know you're available to listen, but don't interrogate every interaction. Sometimes they'll need to process their day; other times they'll need quiet space to decompress.

Welcome all emotions. If they come home angry, sad, or frustrated, create space for those feelings. One of the hardest parts of grief is having to hold it together in public. Home should be where they can fall apart if they need to.

Maintain gentle routines. When everything feels chaotic, familiar rhythms offer comfort. Regular meals, bedtime routines, or small family traditions can provide stability in an unstable world.

Student going back to school

Taking Steps Together

Your teenager is learning one of life's most difficult lessons far too early. They're discovering that terrible things happen to people we love and that the world keeps moving even when theirs has stopped.

They don't need to be brave or strong on anyone else's timeline. They don't need to make others comfortable with their loss. They just need to know they're not walking this path alone.

Some responses will feel right; others won't. Some days will be manageable; others will be incredibly difficult. This is all part of learning to carry grief while still engaging with life. Your love and presence as they navigate this will make all the difference.

That question "How was your summer?" may always carry a sting. But with time, practice, and support, your teen will find their voice and their way of honouring both their loss and their continued living.

If you're supporting a grieving teenager in Surrey, Coquitlam, Greater Vancouver, or anywhere online, you don't have to figure this out alone. Sometimes having someone walk alongside your family during this time can make all the difference. I'd be honoured to explore how we might work together to support both you and your teen through this season.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should my teen say when someone asks "How was your summer?" after a death?

Your teen doesn't have to choose between lying and oversharing. Simple, honest responses work well: "It was really tough, actually," "I lost someone important to me," or "I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but thanks for asking."

Let them practice these at home and find words that feel authentic to them. The goal isn't perfect responses - it's helping them feel prepared and in control of how much they share.

How do I know if my grieving teen needs professional help?

Trust your instincts as a parent. Watch for persistent changes lasting several weeks: significant grade drops, complete withdrawal from friends, major changes in sleep or appetite, or any talk about not wanting to be alive.

Remember, some ups and downs are completely normal in grief. Having good and bad days doesn't mean they're not healing - it just means they're learning to carry their loss while still living their life.

What should I tell my teen's teachers about their loss?

Keep it simple and respect your teen's privacy. A brief message like "My teen had a big loss this summer and may need some extra patience as they adjust back to school" gives teachers helpful context without sharing personal details.

Consider asking about flexibility with deadlines or assignments on particularly difficult days. Most teachers appreciate the heads up and want to support your teen appropriately.