Grief in the Filipino Diaspora

When Filipino families separate for work opportunities in Canada, both parents and children experience a deep but rarely acknowledged form of grief. This intergenerational trauma affects thousands of Filipino-Canadian families across the country, creating emotional distance that can last for years, even after being physically reunited. This was well documented in the film “Canadian Adobo” by Kent Donguines. I was honoured to be a guest panelist for the Multicultural Helping House Society's showing of the film along with Kent, cast member Angelica dela Torre, and moderator Archierose Natividad. 

What is the Grief that the Filipino Diaspora Experience?

The grief in the Filipino diaspora is the deep emotional pain experienced when families separate due to immigration and work opportunities. It's more than just missing someone. It's grieving the loss of daily connection, shared milestones, and the simple comfort of being a family in the same place at the same time.

This grief shows up differently for everyone:

• Parents carry guilt about leaving their children behind

• Children feel abandoned, even when they understand the sacrifice

• Families struggle to reconnect after years of separation

• Both generations may feel like strangers to each other

Why Do Filipino Families Face This Unique Challenge?

There is so much history of systems created for Filipinos to become migrant workers around the globe. Canadian caregiver programs were one way for Filipinos to work in Canada, send money back to the Philippines, then eventually bring their families to the West. 

During separation, families try to stay connected through:

• Weekly video calls and daily messages (this was more difficult and expensive before the internet was easily accessible)

• Sending money and balikbayan boxes (care packages)

• Annual visits when possible

  
  

But these connections, while important, can't replace the everyday moments that build and maintain close relationships. In the film, one member shared how her grandmother became the primary caregiver and her parents missed all the small and major milestones in her life. 

How Does This Grief Affect Children?

Children left behind in the Philippines often experience what feels like abandonment, even when they can logically understand their parent's decision. Common experiences include:

• Emotional numbness: Learning to shut down feelings to cope with the pain

• Difficulty trusting: Wondering if other important people will also leave

• Independence that feels too heavy: Taking on adult responsibilities too early

• Conflicted feelings: Love mixed with anger and confusion

  
  

When these children eventually join their parents in Canada, they may find it hard to be vulnerable or close again. The parent who left feels like a caring stranger rather than the person who is supposed to know them best. 

There were several members in the film, now adults, who shared their childhood experiences growing up without their mothers. One spoke of how often she would compare her family to other children at her school whose families were still together. The film was able to show the envy, longing, and shame these children felt. 

During the post-film discussion, I shared that we can sometimes get the answers to our questions about “why” this had to happen. But that logical and cognitive understanding may not validate how we emotionally felt about the loss. That is the healing that may need to happen. 

What Do Parents Experience During Separation?

Parents who leave their children behind carry an enormous emotional weight. They're working toward a better future while grieving the present moments they're missing:

• Constant guilt: Wondering if the sacrifice is worth it

• Feeling misunderstood: Others see financial success but not the emotional cost

• Pressure to succeed: The move has to be "worth it" for the family's sacrifice

• Loneliness: Missing their children's daily lives and milestones

• Anxiety about relationships: Worrying about growing apart from their children

• Constant reminders: Many became caregivers to other children in Canada and are reminded that they cannot see their own children grow up

  
  

Can Filipino Families Heal From this Grief?

Yes, healing is absolutely possible, but it takes work and sometimes professional support to facilitate these emotional discussions. Many Filipino families are finding ways to rebuild their connections and process their grief together.

Healing often involves:

• Acknowledging the loss: Recognizing that something real was lost, even if the choice was necessary

• Processing guilt and anger: Creating space for all the complicated feelings

• Learning new ways to connect: Building emotional intimacy as the people you are now, not who you were before

• Breaking the silence: Talking openly about the experience instead of protecting each other from the pain

  
  

During the panel discussion, I was asked what would be a simple way to start the reconciliation process. My response was to be gentle with others involved because everyone is likely feeling some emotional pain. Start with gentleness. 

How Can Grief Therapy Help Filipino Families?

Grief therapy provides a safe space to process the complex emotions around family separation. You don't have to carry this pain alone or pretend everything is fine because you're "lucky to be in Canada." 

In therapy, you can:

• Name your specific losses: What exactly did the separation cost your family?

• Work through guilt and anger: These feelings are normal and deserve attention

• Improve family communication: Learn how to talk about difficult topics together

• Rebuild intimacy: Find new ways to connect as a family

• Address mental health stigma: Challenge beliefs that keep you from getting support

  
  

Finding Support in Surrey, Coquitlam, and Vancouver

The Filipino community in Surrey, Coquitlam, and Vancouver are resilient. But this resilience can sometimes make us ignore how we are really feeling. You're not alone in this experience, and there isn't any shame in getting support.

Cultural competency matters when choosing a counsellor. Look for someone who understands:

• The specific challenges of Filipino immigration

• How guilt and shame show up in your culture

• The importance of family honour and reputation

• How to balance individual healing with family loyalty

  
  

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to feel angry at my parent for leaving, even though I know they did it for our family? Yes, this is completely normal. You can understand someone's choice and still feel hurt by it. Both feelings can be true at the same time.

My child seems fine since we reunited, but I worry they're just being strong for me. How can I tell? Children are often very good at protecting their parents' feelings. Look for signs like difficulty sharing emotions, seeming overly independent, or trouble being physically affectionate. These can be signs they're still processing the separation.

Will my family ever feel normal again? Your family can absolutely heal and feel close again, but it might look different than before. The goal isn't to go back to how things were, but to build something new together.

Is grief therapy different from regular therapy? Grief therapy focuses on processing loss and helping you adapt to life after that loss. It's more focused than general therapy.

Do I need to go to therapy as a whole family? Not necessarily. You can start with individual therapy and add family sessions later. Many people find it helpful to process their own feelings first before working on family dynamics.

Taking the Next Step

If you're ready to address the unaddressed grief in your family, you don't have to figure it out alone. Repairing relationships is possible, and your family deserves support as you navigate this experience. 

Every family's path looks different, but people are looking for genuine connection, understanding, and peace with the choices that brought you here.

I encourage you to book a consultation today to discuss how grief therapy can help your family process this unique loss and rebuild your connections in a way that honours everyone’s sacrifice and your love for each other.