Catching Your Breath: When Grief Feels Like Anxiety

My clients tell me that the first panic attack after a loss is the scariest. They are trying to do their normal routine in public and suddenly, they feel like they can’t breathe. Their heart starts to race, the fluorescent lights became unbearably bright, and they abandon whatever they are doing to get out of sight from anyone who may be watching. Gasping for air, they are utterly confused about what is happening. What comes next is the fear that it will happen again. 

Through our work together, they start to see how that moment marked the beginning of understanding that grief and anxiety are deeply connected.

The Hidden Connection

When Claire Bidwell Smith explores the relationship between grief and anxiety in her work and book, she illuminates something many of us experience but few discuss openly. Her insights helped me understand that these moments of panic were not unusual, but actually a natural response to profound loss.

The death of someone we love doesn't just create sadness. It fundamentally alters our sense of safety in the world. The predictable becomes uncertain. The stable ground beneath our feet suddenly feels like shifting sand. And our bodies and minds respond to this new reality with anxiety.

Anxiety as a Grief Response

“Before my mom died, I'd never experienced anxiety. Afterward, it was health worries, social anxiety, panic attacks, and a constant feeling that something terrible was about to happen.” - Client

This is something Bidwell Smith explains beautifully – that anxiety following loss often emerges from our sudden awareness of life's fragility. When death enters our inner circle, we can no longer maintain the comforting illusion that bad things only happen to other people or that we have unlimited time with those we love.

Our anxiety is, in many ways, a natural recalibration to a world that suddenly feels dangerous and unpredictable.

When Your Body Holds Your Grief

Grief is always held in some form in our body. Those heart palpitations, the tightness in your chest, the sleepless nights – these weren't just symptoms of anxiety. They were physical manifestations of grief that had no other outlet.

Sometimes our minds protect us from fully processing a loss before we're ready, but our bodies keep the score. The anxiety we feel may be grief that hasn't found its voice yet.

Finding Your Way Through

If you're experiencing anxiety in your grief, here are some insights that may help:

Name the connection. Simply recognizing that your anxiety is connected to your grief can be powerfully validating. You're not "going crazy" – you're responding to profound loss.

Be gentle with your body. Grief and anxiety create physical exhaustion. Honour what your body needs, whether that's extra rest, movement, or nourishment.

Find safe spaces for your feelings. Whether with a therapist, support group, or understanding friend, having places where you can express your grief openly helps prevent it from transforming into anxiety.

Question your thoughts. When anxious thoughts arise, gently ask yourself: "Is this anxiety speaking, or is this grief looking for expression?"

Create rituals. Establishing small rituals to honor your loved one and acknowledge your ongoing relationship with them can help manage the anxiety that comes from feeling disconnected.

Taking steps forward

With gentle attention, the acute anxiety usually subsides. But we may always carry a heightened awareness of life's precariousness – along with a deeper appreciation for how precious it really is. 

If you're moving through grief and finding anxiety has invited itself into your life, please know you're not alone. Your experience makes sense. Your body and mind are doing their best to navigate a path without any map in sight.

And most importantly – there is a way through this. Not "getting over it," but finding ways to carry both your love and your loss together as you move forward.