I Didn't Get to Say Goodbye: How To Deal With Sudden Loss?

The call came while I was at work. My dad's voice was shaking as he told me my Lola had died that morning. Just a couple days before, he'd visited her, and she mentioned not feeling well, but we didn't think it was serious. We were all planning to see her for Mother's Day and her birthday. Those celebrations would never come.

As a grief counsellor, I thought I could somehow separate myself from the shock, but when I went to tell my boss what had happened, I instantly started crying. The reality hit me: no one is immune to the raw pain of sudden loss, not even those of us who work in this field every day.

If you're reading this because someone you love died suddenly, I want you to know that the overwhelming feelings you're experiencing are completely normal. The shock, the regret, the questions that keep you awake at night—they're all part of what happens when we lose someone without warning, without the chance to say what we needed to say.

The unexpected news is a shock

Why Does Sudden Loss Feel So Different from Other Grief?

When death happens suddenly, your nervous system goes into shock. Your brain was expecting your person to still be here, still be reachable by phone, still be coming to Sunday dinner or family gatherings. The sudden absence creates a kind of emotional whiplash that can leave you feeling disoriented for weeks or even months.

In Filipino culture, there's often an expectation to be the one holding everyone else together, especially if you're the eldest or seen as the responsible one. We're taught that showing too much emotion means we're "falling apart" or not being strong for our families. But sudden loss doesn't follow cultural scripts about strength. It demands its own response.

For LGBTQ+ folks, sudden loss can be especially complicated when your chosen family member dies and biological families don't recognize your relationship or your right to grieve. You might find yourself fighting for space at the funeral or having no one acknowledge the depth of your connection.

The truth is, sudden death breaks all the rules about how grief is "supposed" to work. Your feelings don't have to make sense to anyone else.

What Happens When You Don't Get to Say Goodbye?

Not getting to say goodbye can create what I call "unfinished emotional business." You might find yourself replaying your last conversation, wondering if they knew how much you loved them, or feeling guilty about things you said or didn't say.

Maybe you're from a Filipino family where blessing your elders or asking for forgiveness is important, and you never got that chance. The tradition of "pakikipagkapwa" (shared identity) means that when someone dies suddenly, it can feel like part of your own identity is missing.

Or perhaps you're part of the LGBTQ+ community and you never got to tell your chosen family member how they saved your life by accepting you when others didn't. The words you needed to say feel trapped inside you with nowhere to go.

Here's what I want you to know: your love doesn't need perfect words to be real. The connection you had with your person existed in countless small moments, in shared looks, in the way they said your name, in the comfort of just being together. Those moments are your goodbye, even if you didn't know it at the time.

How Do You Honour Someone When Grief Feels Impossible?

When you're in the thick of sudden loss, people often suggest you "celebrate their life" or "honour their memory," but sometimes you're too angry or shocked to feel celebratory about anything. That's okay too.

Start where you are. If you're angry that they left, write them a letter telling them exactly how you feel. If you're scared about facing life without them, talk to their picture. If you're confused about what comes next, sit with that confusion.

Your continuing bond with your person doesn't end because their physical presence did. You can still talk to them, still seek their guidance, still feel their influence in your decisions.

For those from Filipino families, you might find comfort in creating a small altar or keeping something that belonged to them close by. For others, it might be continuing a tradition they started or supporting a cause they cared about.

The key is finding ways to channel your love that feel authentic to who you both were together.

Can You Really Heal from This Kind of Loss?

Healing from sudden loss doesn't mean "getting over it" or "moving on." It means learning to carry your love and your grief in ways that don't overwhelm your daily life. It means finding space for both the sadness of their absence and the gratitude for having known them.

It’s often said that grief comes in waves, some days you're fine, other days the sadness knocks you over. This wisdom recognizes that healing isn't linear. You don't graduate from grief; you learn to hold onto it. 

For LGBTQ+ folks who might be grieving someone who represented safety and acceptance, healing might involve finding new sources of that unconditional love while honoring what your person gave you.

Key Points for Moving Through Sudden Loss: 

• Shock and disorientation are normal responses to unexpected death 

• Your cultural background influences how you process and express grief 

• Not saying goodbye doesn't diminish the love you shared 

• Healing happens in waves, not in straight lines 

• Your relationship with your person continues even after death 

• Professional support can help you navigate complex emotions

You don't have to figure this out alone. Whether you're dealing with family dynamics that don't understand your grief, struggling with guilt about things left unsaid, or feeling lost without your person's guidance, support is available.

I work with BIPOC and LGBTQ+ folks in Surrey, Coquitlam, Greater Vancouver, and online, helping people find their own way through sudden loss while honouring their cultural values and family relationships. Sometimes having someone who understands both the universal experience of grief and the specific challenges your community faces can make all the difference.

If you're ready to explore how to carry your love and grief in a way that honours both your person and your own healing, I'd welcome the chance to walk alongside you in this process.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does the shock of sudden death last? Everyone is different, but most people find that the initial shock begins to lessen after a few weeks to a few months. However, waves of disbelief can return, especially around meaningful dates or unexpected moments.

Is it normal to feel angry at someone who died suddenly? Absolutely. Anger is a common response to sudden loss, whether you're angry at them for leaving, at yourself for things unsaid, or at the situation in general. These feelings are part of the natural grief process.

What if my family doesn't understand my grief? Sometimes families have different relationships with the person who died, or cultural expectations about how grief should look. It's okay to seek support outside your family while you process your feelings.

How do I handle holidays and special occasions? Holidays and special occasions will often bring back memories of the past. Consider creating new traditions that honour your person while acknowledging that celebrations will feel different now. There's no right way to navigate these times.